Change of Plans

I haven't posted about this yet, so I'm a little hesitant to put it out on the world wide web. However, the purpose of this blog is for those who are broken to be able to be healed, and to comfort those who mourn. If I can't share my pain and struggles, then how can others hear how I took a test and changed it to my testimony?

In February, Adam decided that he wanted a divorce. I was heartbroken and was willing to do anything to save my marriage and family. The worries that I had extended beyond just myself. I worried about the girls and how the enemy could use this against them.

When Adam left, I dove head first into God's word, and I surrounded myself with people who loved God, too. I started going to church as often as I could; I joined a life group; I went to Divorce Care, a Christian support group; I attended a freedom conference at church. God revealed Himself to me in such a real and tangible way. He scooped me up and held me in His arms. He healed my heart beyond anything I ever thought possible. He taught me that my true love story has nothing to do with a man here on earth. He showed me that my true love story is written in the Bible. My love story is Jesus.

The divorce was final the beginning of July, and when I walked out of the court room, the peace of God was resting on me. I thought I would be a bawling mess, but I wasn't. I was ok. I knew that God was there, and that He was watching out for me.

While going through the divorce, I learned so much. I kept a journal, although not online, as it was quite personal. However, I want to share some of the things that I have learned.

1. One parent plus God is sufficient. Wholeness is found in Christ, not in marriage.

2. I have to be willing to let go of the life that I planned so I can have the life that God is planning.

3. I call out to the Lord , and he answers me from his holy mountain. (Psalm 3:4 NIV)

4. The word "perfect”. You don’t have to be perfect to be a Christian. Some people think you have to be perfect. Please know that we aren't perfect, and that we don't have to be perfect to come to the cross. That's exactly why we need the cross- because we are so NOT perfect. God is the only one who is perfect, and I want to be more like Him.

5. If you declare with your mouth, “Jesus is Lord,” and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved. For it is with your heart that you believe and are justified, and it is with your mouth that you profess your faith and are saved. As Scripture says, “Anyone who believes in him will never be put to shame.” (Romans 10:9-11 NIV)

6. Faith is an ongoing condition. It is not a one time event. The mind must understand the truth first. Faith is also emotional – one must express sorrow over sin and rejoice for God's grace.

7. When bad things happen to me, and I feel forsaken, I need to ask God where He was in that situation. Then He is able to show me what my situation looked like from His perspective.

8. Ask God for peace; ask God for love.

9. Worry is a sin because I'm saying that my worry is bigger than God.

10. One day in the middle of February, Mikayla drew a picture for me. It was some flowers, and rain drops falling from the sky. When I saw the raindrops, my immediate first reaction was that she was sad, or a sign that the separation was affecting her more than what I could imagine. I asked her about the rain. She replied, "the rain is so the flowers can grow." Immediately, I thought about everything that has been happening to me since the beginning of the year. I've been under attack for the entire year in every dimension of life possible. I realized through Mikayla's simple drawing that we have to go through bad times every now and then to reach the beautiful seasons of life.

11. The evening of Feb. 27th, when I was trying to put on Macey's pajamas, We were both trying to put her pajamas on at the same time. We were struggling with each other, and I realized that's so much how we are with God. I try to put on my own pajamas - or do things my own way - and I end up struggling with God, when it would be so much easier just to let Him put on my pajamas.

12. Stop judging and evaluating yourself, for this is not your role. Above all, stop comparing yourself with other people. This produces feelings of pride or inferiority; sometimes, a mixture of both. God desires to lead each of His children along a path that is uniquely tailor-made for him or her. Comparing is not only wrong; it is also meaningless. Don’t look for affirmation in the wrong places: your own evaluations, or those of other people. The only source of real affirmation is God’s unconditional love. Many believers perceive Him as an un-pleasable judge, angrily searching out their faults and failures. Nothing could be further from the truth! He died for your sins, so that He might clothe you in His garments of salvation. This is how He see you: radiant in His robe of righteousness. When He disciplines you, it is never in anger or disgust; it is to prepare you for face-to-face fellowship with Him throughout all eternity. Immerse yourself in His loving presence. Be receptive to His affirmation, which flows continually from the throne of grace.

13. Pray and obey. Obedience is the key to every miracle I need.

14. Life isn't about happiness, or the eternal quest for happiness. If you only seek happiness, you will be empty at the end of the day. Searching for happiness is why there are alcoholics, drug addicts, and suicide. There is no outside happiness. Happiness must come from the inside. Life is about continuing to make yourself better. Life is about enjoying those you love, and loving those you enjoy. Life is about following God's plan for your life and learning how God intended for us to live. Life is about forgiveness and kindness.

15. Choose to love every day.

16. God is my hope, my Father, Creator, Sustainer, Redeemer, Provider and the Most High God. He is always loving, faithful, kind, patient, powerful, good, just, righteous, merciful and compassionate. He never changes.

17. Continue on this path with Me, enjoying My Presence even in adversity. I am always before you, as well as alongside you. See Me beckoning to you: Come! Follow Me. The One who goes ahead of you, opening up the way, is the same One who stays close and never lets go of your hand. I am not subject to limitations of time or space. I am everywhere at every time, ceaselessly working on your behalf. That is why your best efforts are trusting Me and living close to Me.

18. Bad people are not people who do bad things. Bad people are people who try to get me to do bad things.

19. The Bible is the word of God and is powerful and life changing. The promises of God start with 2 Timothy 3:16 when God tells us that all Scriptures in the Bible are inspired by God. With this promise of God in hand we can then be assured that what we learn in the Bible comes from Him!

20. God knows the big picture, while I can only see a small piece.

21. Your attitude draws people to you, or repels them. It is never content until it is expressed. It is the "LIBRARIAN" of your past. It is the speaker of your present. It is the prophet of your future!

22. The presence of God is not something that you work up to, it is something that you come into.

23. I can change the atmosphere of wherever I am if I have the spirit of The Lord with me.

24. God can heal anything in your life. If you believe in God, then you believe he can heal. (Matt. 19:26) God does heal. This is who God is. (Ex. 15:26, Heb. 13:8) Will I believe what God says or not? If I doubt who I am in God, I have to disbelieve the Bible in order to do so.

25. Satan is trying to set up a stronghold against who I am and who you are in Christ. If he wins that battle, he will win ever other battle. If he loses that battle, he will lose ever other battle, too.

In addition to the many things that God has revealed to me in the past six months, there have been a lot of songs that have really spoken to me.

"My Chains are Gone"

Amazing grace,
How sweet the sound
That saved a wretch like me
I once was lost, but now I'm found
Was blind, but now I see
'Twas grace that taught my heart to fear
And grace my fears relieved
How precious did that grace appear
The hour I first believed
My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy rains
Unending love, Amazing grace
The Lord has promised good to me
His word my hope secures
He will my shield and portion be
As long as life endures
My chains are gone
I've been set free
My God, my Savior has ransomed me
And like a flood His mercy rains
Unending love, Amazing grace
The earth shall soon dissolve like snow
The sun forbear to shine
But God, Who called me here below
Will be forever mine
Will be forever mine
You are forever mine


Third Day -"Tunnel"
I won't pretend to know what you're thinking
I can't begin to know what you're going through
I won't deny the pain that you're feeling
But I'm gonna try and give a little hope to you
Just remember what I've told you
There's so much you're living for
There's a light at the end of this tunnel
There's a light at the end of this tunnel
For you, for you
There's a light at the end of this tunnel
Shinin' bright at the end of this tunnel
For you, for you
So keep holdin' on
You've got your disappointments and sorrows
You ought to share the weight of that load with me
Then you will find that the light of tomorrow
Brings a new life for your eyes to see
So remember what I've told you
There's so much you're living for


Chris Tomlin "Whom Shall I Fear (God Of Angel Armies)"
You hear me when I call;
You are my morning song.
Though darkness fills the night,
It cannot hide the light
Whom shall I fear?
You crush the enemy
Underneath my feet.
You are my sword and shield,
Though troubles linger still.
Whom shall I fear?
I know who goes before me;
I know who stands behind me.
The God of angel armies is always by my side.
The one who reigns forever,
He is a friend of mine.
The God of angel armies is always by my side.
My strength is in Your name,
For You alone can save.
You will deliver me.
Yours is the victory.
Whom shall I fear?
Whom shall I fear?
I know who goes before me.
I know who stands behind me.
The God of angel armies is always by my side.
The one who reigns forever,
He is a friend of mine.
The God of angel armies is always by my side.
And nothing formed against me shall stand.
You hold the whole world in Your hands.
I'm holding on to Your promises,
You are faithful.
You are faithful.
You are faithful.
I know who goes before me;
I know who stands behind me.
The God of angel armies is always by my side.
The one who reigns forever,
He is a friend of mine.
The God of angel armies is always by my side.
The God of angel armies is always by my side.


Hillsong United “The Stand”
You stood before creation
Eternity within Your hand
You spoke all life into motion
My soul now to stand
You stood before my failure
Carried the Cross for my shame
My sin weighed upon Your shoulders
My soul now to stand
So what can I say?
What can I do?
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You
So I'll walk upon salvation
Your Spirit alive in me
This life to declare Your promise
My soul now to stand
So what can I say?
What can I do?
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You
So what can I say?
What can I do?
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You
So I’ll stand with arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all
So I’ll stand, my soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours
So I’ll stand with arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all
So I’ll stand, my soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours
So I’ll stand with arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all
So I’ll stand, my soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours
So I’ll stand with arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all
So I’ll stand, my soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours
So I’ll stand with arms high and heart abandoned
In awe of the One who gave it all
So I’ll stand, my soul Lord to You surrendered
All I am is Yours
So what can I say?
What can I do?
But offer this heart O God
Completely to You.


"Redeemed"
Seems like all I could see was the struggle
Haunted by ghosts that lived in my past
Bound up in shackles of all my failures
Wondering how long is this gonna last
Then You look at this prisoner and say to me "son
Stop fighting a fight it's already been won"
I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, now I'm not who I used to be
I am redeemed, I'm redeemed
All my life I have been called unworthy
Named by the voice of my shame and regret
But when I hear You whisper, "Child lift up your head"
I remember, oh God, You're not done with me yet
I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, now I'm not who I used to be
Because I don't have to be the old man inside of me
'Cause his day is long dead and gone
Because I've got a new name, a new life, I'm not the same
And a hope that will carry me home
I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, 'cause I'm not who I used to be
I am redeemed, You set me free
So I'll shake off these heavy chains
Wipe away every stain, yeah, I'm not who I used to be
Oh, God, I'm not who I used to be
Jesus, I'm not who I used to be
'Cause I am redeemed
Thank God, redeemed.


“The Great I Am”
I wanna to be close, close to your side.
So heaven is real, and death is a lie.
I wanna hear voices of angels above
Singing as one:
Hallelujah, Holy, Holy.
God Almighty, Great I am.
Who is worthy?
None beside Thee;
God Almighty;
Great I Am.
I wanna be near, near to your heart.
Loving the world hating the dark.
I want to see dry bones living again,
Singing as one,
Hallelujah, Holy, Holy.
God Almighty, Great I Am.
Who is worthy?
None beside Thee;
God Almighty;
Great I Am.
He's the Great I Am, Great I Am.
The mountains shake before Him.
The demons run and flee,
At the mention of the name,
King of Majesty!
There is no power in hell,
Or any who can stand
Before the power and the presence of the Great I Am.
The Great I Am; The Great I Am.
The Great I Am; The Great I Am; The Great I Am.
The mountains shake before Him,
The demons run and flee,
At the mention of the name,
King of Majesty!
There is no power in hell,
Or any who can stand
Before the power and the presence of the Great I Am.
The Great I Am: The Great I Am.
The Great I Am; The Great I Am; The Great I Am.