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The Hope Cycle



Having to co-parent with a narcissist is a rollercoaster. When the times are good, we can talk about our children, agree on decisions and even talk at the children's school activities. When the times are bad, I receive disparaging text messages telling me how horrible I am, I get called names, yelled at in public, slandered on social media and e-mails sent to my bosses at work. For years, I had the hope that we would be able to get along and that he would change—that he would be changed by God.

God can change people. God can do anything. Matthew 19:26 tells us that, "with God, all things are possible." The means He can even heal narcissists. But sometimes, when you’re the spouse of a narcissist (or you have to co-parent with one), especially as a Christian, you feel that Jesus may have been lying when He told this to the disciples. You're on a rollercoaster of emotions—you pray and hope and pray and hope and see no change. You’re devastated all over again, because there’s been no change. I called this constant prayer, getting your hopes up, then having your hopes dashed "The Hope Cycle."

Several years ago, after a particularly hurtful text message exchange with my ex-husband, my sister told me I had to give up hope—I had to stop hoping things would ever be different. I immediately scoffed at her. How could I possibly ever give up hope? That would somehow mean that I don't have the faith that God can change him. And if I don't have that faith in God, then what kind of Christian would I be? However, I started praying about it, and I started thinking about it. I realized that I had to learn how to live in the reality of the situation.

Dr. Ramani Durvasula speaks on narcissism on her podcast and YouTube channel. While she does not give advice from a Christian worldview, she has tremendous insight to the narcissist. She talks about how "hope dies last" in relationships with narcissists, which is why so many people get stuck in those relationships. She says that the first step in healing from narcissistic abuse is giving up hope. She says that hope can keep us going, which is one reason why it's so hard to give up hope. It can feel like a lack of faith, and like you are falling into the abyss when you give up hope. 

While giving up hope can be painful, holding on to hope when you shouldn't can be even more painful. Proverbs 13:12 tells us, "Hope deferred makes a heart grow sick." The definition of "deferred" is generally thought of as, "to delay or to withhold for a certain time." So when I read this verse, I always thought it meant that if my hopes aren't met in a timely manner, then my heart can grow sick. However, the definition of "defer" when used as a transitive verb means, "to delegate to another." So when I delegate—or give—my hope to someone else, the Bible tells me that my heart will grow sick. The second part of that verse says, "But a desire fulfilled is a tree of life." When I read this verse, I always read the entire verse, and took it to mean I shouldn't ever give up hope. However, when we examine the word defer, the verse takes on a new meaning. 

Our hope should always be in Christ—not in someone else coming to know Christ. Not in someone else treating us how we wish they would treat us. We must live in the reality of the situation and in the reality of how they treat us. Pray for them, but let the hope die. 
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